Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. No Ambiguity.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Director: Lee Demarbre

Starring: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Jeff Moffet, Ian Driscoll

Written by: Ian Driscoll

Many times, the title of a movie may be misleading (see: Troll 2). However, there are those rare movie titles which hit you straight in the nuts. So it is with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. You get Jesus Christ, you get vampires, and you get Jesus Christ, hunting vampires. End of review, no? But lo! This flick is so much meatier, and more fantastic! You see, Christ, after eons of debate regarding his ethnicity, is revealed to be – CANADIAN! And to stop the vampire menace which is plaguing Canada’s lesbians, he teams up with MOTHERFUCKING SANTOS! The (imitation of the) most legendary Mexican luchador of all time! Can you resist such auspicious temptation?  Can you?

So yeah, Canada’s lesbians are turning into the living dead, an event which serves little purpose as a plot device, except to set up a blatant ripoff of a Kids in the Hall joke. “God bless lesbians,” a little statue of the Virgin Mary tells her son, later on, “they get so much done in a day!”

The Reason Why Atheism No Longer Exists.

In the wake of this fangy epidemic, the Church taps the Lord, who apparently hangs out at a beach all day, drinking a bottle of never-ending lemonade. The vampire ladies show up, prompting Christ to unleash a kung-fu beatdown, but not before pounding his chest and growling, “Body of Christ?” Hells yeah. The Lord goes on to get a haircut and pierced ears, all of which makes him look like a divine Scott Bakula. As he strolls through a park, (where you can see people playing Frisbee in the background), he gets jumped by The Atheists, fifty motley hosers who, in a fitting tribute to the grand artistry of Coolio, all jump out of the same car. Christ wins, and struts away to a Daft Punk sound. Goddamn!

All of this leads up to a confrontation with the villainous Johnny Golgotha and the mad Doctor Pretorious – at the same time. Because, you know, Jesus is everwhere! Along the way, God – as a bowl of cherries – dispenses fatherly advice, the Lord performs a Star Wars scat at a jazz club, and Santos falls in love with a lesbian, which results in the most triumphant high-five in cinematic history.

I’m going to say this once, and simply. THERE HAS NEVER, EVER, BEEN A BETTER MOVIE MADE ABOUT JESUS CHRIST.

Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace

Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace

Movie: Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace (2004)

Directed by: Lee Gordon Demarbre

Starring: Phil Caracas, Jeff Moffet, Ian Driscoll

Written by: Ian Driscoll

After creating Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter – the best movie about Jesus Christ, EVER – Canada’s favorite son Lee Gordon Demarbre continued to amass Bizarro film cred with another glorious entry in his Harry Knuckles series. Phil Caracas, Demarbre’s Scott Bakula-looking Lord, once more dons finger fuzz and fights the forces of evil! Narrated by Barack Obama’s twin brother, the story of Pearl Necklace is a sordid tale of sasquatches, jewelry theft, virtual reality, evil twins, pro wrestling, and hot babes fighting awkwardly.

Mr. Knuckles bursts onto the scene when he foils a pair of thieves who are making off with Bizarro master Menahem Golan’s artwork. From there, a pair of smokin’ fine ladies recruits Harry to track down Bigfoot, who has stolen a radioactive pearl necklace. From the start, these ladies are not who they appear to be, and figuring out their true allegiances comprises a large part of the story.

But they aren’t the only dames with whom Mr. Knuckles crosses paths. Pearl Necklace’s show-stealing moment comes when Harry, always looking for a good bargain, takes his truck to the Unknown Gas Station. Ol’ Unknown, played by writer Ian Driscoll, is a snazzy-dressed gas pumper with a paper bag for a head, who swivels his hips and prances around like a vaudeville kingpin. When he runs afoul of two bondage nuns and gets decked in the face, Unknown’s bag head gets a black eye and he slumps to the ground, leaving Harry $20 worth of gas time to take down the nasty nuns. Following his inevitable victory via vagina punch, Mr. Knuckles drives off to a Nintendo orchestra of triumph.

Yet do not assume that this glorious movie is a one-trick pony! One great moment comes while Mr. Knuckles is digging for clues about the nefarious conspiracy surrounding the pearl necklace. For answers, Harry enters a dark and dingy bar and encounters Bizarro legend Lloyd Kaufman! Wearing a giant sombrero and intermittently spewing coins from his mouth, Kaufman challenges Harry to a drinking contest, and awesomeness ensues. Meanwhile, Harry’s best friend, Mexican luchador hero Santos, is led down the parallel roads of love and betrayal, making an awesome joke about masked safe sex before fighting his way out of a wedding ambush. Ultimately, the goodness and purity of both men prevail. Kind of.

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter is a titan of cinema, to be sure, but having watched Pearl Necklace, I have become a committed fan of Lee Gordon Demarbre beyond the Lord. No matter how many pedestrians walk into his shots, Demarbre is a comic genius!