Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. No Ambiguity.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Director: Lee Demarbre

Starring: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Jeff Moffet, Ian Driscoll

Written by: Ian Driscoll

Many times, the title of a movie may be misleading (see: Troll 2). However, there are those rare movie titles which hit you straight in the nuts. So it is with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. You get Jesus Christ, you get vampires, and you get Jesus Christ, hunting vampires. End of review, no? But lo! This flick is so much meatier, and more fantastic! You see, Christ, after eons of debate regarding his ethnicity, is revealed to be – CANADIAN! And to stop the vampire menace which is plaguing Canada’s lesbians, he teams up with MOTHERFUCKING SANTOS! The (imitation of the) most legendary Mexican luchador of all time! Can you resist such auspicious temptation?  Can you?

So yeah, Canada’s lesbians are turning into the living dead, an event which serves little purpose as a plot device, except to set up a blatant ripoff of a Kids in the Hall joke. “God bless lesbians,” a little statue of the Virgin Mary tells her son, later on, “they get so much done in a day!”

The Reason Why Atheism No Longer Exists.

In the wake of this fangy epidemic, the Church taps the Lord, who apparently hangs out at a beach all day, drinking a bottle of never-ending lemonade. The vampire ladies show up, prompting Christ to unleash a kung-fu beatdown, but not before pounding his chest and growling, “Body of Christ?” Hells yeah. The Lord goes on to get a haircut and pierced ears, all of which makes him look like a divine Scott Bakula. As he strolls through a park, (where you can see people playing Frisbee in the background), he gets jumped by The Atheists, fifty motley hosers who, in a fitting tribute to the grand artistry of Coolio, all jump out of the same car. Christ wins, and struts away to a Daft Punk sound. Goddamn!

All of this leads up to a confrontation with the villainous Johnny Golgotha and the mad Doctor Pretorious – at the same time. Because, you know, Jesus is everwhere! Along the way, God – as a bowl of cherries – dispenses fatherly advice, the Lord performs a Star Wars scat at a jazz club, and Santos falls in love with a lesbian, which results in the most triumphant high-five in cinematic history.

I’m going to say this once, and simply. THERE HAS NEVER, EVER, BEEN A BETTER MOVIE MADE ABOUT JESUS CHRIST.

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