Election 2012 Fake News

 

“The Million Dollar Man” Ted diBiase and “The Genius” Lanny Poffo Engage in Spirited Final Debate in the Race to be President of Pro Wrestling

 

PARTS UNKNOWN, UT ‒ The race to be the next president of pro wrestling came to its final stop last night, as “The Million Dollar Man” Ted diBiase faced “The Genius” Lanny Poffo in their last debate.  Held in the Ultimate Warrior Fine Arts Center at Parts Unknown University, the candidates faced a night of tough questioning from moderator George “The Animal” Steele.

Each candidate restated his platform and agenda for the wrestling universe with little deviation from their established stances.  The Genius once again expressed dismay at the state of pro wrestling’s education systems and poetic abilities, whereas the Million Dollar Man, flanked by his running mate and manservant Virgil, fell back on promoting tax cuts for pro wrestling corporations and outsourcing national security to Andre the Giant.

While the details broke little new ground, the drama between the candidates hit a fever pitch, during a particularly testy exchange on the subject of marriage equality between tag team partners.  Within his statement, Poffo read a particularly nasty limerick concerning the size of diBiase’s liquid assets, provoking The Million Dollar Man’s rebuttal with a steel chair.  The candidates were quickly separated by the referees at ringside, though each was clearly dazed from the melee.

The crowd, whipped into a frenzy, chanted “USA!” at both candidates.

 

 

 

 

Scott Walker has Bad Dream, Mistakenly Campaigns for Self

 

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO ‒ When Wisconsin governor Scott Walker ran into a room of Republican businessmen in the conference hall of the Sheraton Hotel in Colorado Springs, he launched into a stump speech which would have been appropriate but for one detail ‒ he was campaigning for himself.

Governor Walker, who survived recall in June, launched into a presentation in which he promised “his fellow Wisconsinites” that they would “beat back this pointless recall effort and get Wisconsin on the path to big business.”

Though the audience initially received Walker’s speech with loud enthusiasm, confusion soon set in.  Eventually members of the audience spoke up, letting the governor know that the recall was long over and that they were, in fact, in Colorado.

Sheepishly, Governor Walker rubbed his eyes and yawned loudly before looking down and realizing that he was dressed in feetie pajamas covered in teddy bears and the words “UNIONS SUCK!”  Muttering a brief apology, he shuffled off the stage and went back to bed.

When later asked about this strange display, a more rested governor Walker responded: “You ever have that dream where you’re back in middle school?”

Death of Conservative Pundit Andrew Breitbart Convinces Liberals that There Is a God

 

Yesterday, churches of all denominations across the country saw a stunning rise in attendance of church services.  The new parishioners were hundreds of thousands of left-wing Americans, some of whom had never set foot in a church before.  When asked why they were attending the church services, these new members of their congregations replied, almost to a person, that the death of right wing pundit Andrew Breitbart had convinced them that there was a God who loved us all.

Breitbart, often characterized as the right wing’s political assassin, has spent the last few years serving as one of the greatest thorns in the side of the liberal viewpoint.  One of his last marks was New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, whose sexting scandal, exposed in grandstanding style by Breitbart, caused him to resign.  Such was the ire he drew from American liberals that, upon his sudden death at the relatively young age of 43, his detractors immediately declared his demise to be an act of God.

John Franklin, a small business owner from Spokane, Washington, displayed a typical attitude among these new converts.  “Holy crap!  I thought we were gonna have that bastard around for at least another 20 years!  I wasn’t sure that God existed until he smote that son of a bitch to smithereens.  Now I’m a believer!”

Kyra Archer works for Planned Parenthood in Omaha, Nebraska.  As such, she has had a number of run-ins with religious authorities.  Despite this, she chose to attend a local church service in order to pay her respects.

“You know, God’s a patriarchal, close-minded, jingoistic tyrant,” Archer said.  “But he really did us a solid on this one.  I just stopped by to tell God thanks ‒ thanks for scraping that pompous, hateful human sewage off the face of the earth.”

It’s not only the Christian faiths that saw a surge in numbers.  Salim al-Ameen is one of thousands of lapsed American Muslims who attended mosque services in the wake of Breitbart’s death.  al-Ameen broke with his religion after coming out as a gay man in his teenage years, yet yesterday he attended a mosque in his hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, in celebration.  There, he found no issue with his well-known homosexuality, the communal jubilation over Breitbart’s demise washing away all other distinctions.

“The prick is dead!” al-Ameen cheered after prayer.  “Allah frickin’ rules, baby!”

Buddhist temples reported no new conversions on Thursday, as Buddhism does not have a god who could take personal interest in Andrew Breitbart’s downfall.  Conversely, liberal American Hindus weren’t sure whom within their expansive pantheon to thank for the death of Breitbart.

Neopagans of many different stripes held celebrations in American forests and public parks to give thanks to their myriad gods and goddesses, yet these conclaves reported few new members.  The Venerable Bear Mule Moon, head of the Pan-American Association of Pan Worshippers and Panhandlers, explained the Neopagans’ failure to capitalize on Breitbart’s death as being due to their gatherings being held in secret, their only neighbors being errant Frisbee Golfers.

“Man, we really need to start having these things in community centers,” he said.

As a response to these mass conversions, the Catholic Church has been said to be quietly looking into having God take out right wing hidden camera con artist James O’Keefe as a means to restore its prestige in America.  An anonymous source within the Boston Archdiocese has also suggested that the church is exploring the option of having God take out “certain members of Fox News,” though the source refused to name names.

When asked about this rumor of God being used as a political assassin, Archer responded with strange aplomb.  “Hell, if God bumps off everyone at Fox News, I’ll start protesting Planned Parenthood myself!”

 

Whitney Houston Mourner Gets Her Body of Work Wrong

In case you need help remembering, this is Whitney Houston.


GARY, INDIANA (AP) ‒ Like many other people stunned by Whitney Houston’s sudden death last week, Lavonne Pierce reacted to the singer’s demise with an outpouring of emotion.

“Whitney has meant so much to me over the years,” Pierce said as she fought off tears.  “Her music has touched my life so deeply, I can’t go a single day without it coming through me in some way.  And now she’s gone.  I just don’t know how I’m gonna deal with it.”

When asked about her favorite Whitney moments, Pierce, a grade school substitute teacher in the Gary School District, took a deep breath and composed herself.  After a moment, a wistful, peaceful look came to her face, accompanied with a hint of a smile.

“I suppose my favorite thing of Whitney’s is the same as a lot of people’s,” she answered, “I mean, ‘My Heart Will Go On’ is such an iconic song, it’s hard to name anything better.  Whitney really knocked it out of the park on that one.”

As she continued to discuss the fallen pop icon, it became clear that Lavonne Pierce had confused Whitney Houston with Celene Dion.

This reporter attempted to clarify the error, but Pierce refused to listen.  “No!  Whitney starred in Titanic, and she sang the theme song, too!  Kevin Costner had to save her from an iceberg that was stalking her and sneaking into her ship’s quarters on the Titanic while she was out singing!  Billy Zane tried to shoot her with a gun hidden in a videocamera, the jerk!”

“That rendition of ‘I’m Every Woman’ that Whitney sang with the iceberg, wow!” she added.  “What a scorcher!”

Pierce went on to misremember other highlights in Houston’s career, crediting the achievements of many prominent female singers to her.  “Those pet adoption commercials she made were really heartbreaking, but they really opened my eyes to the suffering of animals.  That song she sang about partying on Friday was a real hoot, too!  And that book she made with Anne Geddes and all those sleeping babies was a Total Cute Overload!”

When asked if she had learned any lessons from Whitney’s troubled times, Pierce nodded solemnly.  “Yeah.  She never should have dated that Lance Armstrong.  He was no good to her.  I don’t care how many times he’s won the Tour de France; if you don’t have love in your heart, it ain’t gonna work out!”

This Friday, Pierce plans to mourn privately with a few girlfriends.  During the gathering she plans to play Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” to commemorate the life of Whitney Houston.  “I know that Elton wrote this song right after Princess Diana died,” Pierce noted, “but it’s so touching and timeless that I don’t think he’ll mind.”

Valentine’s Day News Hell, 2012

BUY ME.

 

Single Man Refuses to Support Valentine’s Day Industry, Purchases Many Anti-Valentine’s Day Products to Show It

 

A Bangor man, Reggie Hobbes of 713 Cat Food Factory Lane, has had enough of the commercialization of Valentine’s Day ‒ and he has bought the merchandise to let you know it.

“I’m always disgusted at this time of year,” Hobbes, age 43, said.  “The greeting card industry, the out of season flower dealers, and the chocolate robber barons like to turn up the heat on the common man on the 14th of February, telling him that if he doesn’t buy a lot of meaningless crap for his girl, then he’s a failure as a guy.  I’m done with all that.”

To show his contempt, Hobbes has purchased a multitude of banners, clothing, yard decorations, candy, and greeting cards which malign and deride Valentine’s Day.  Wearing a black t-shirt which reads “Love is for Losers,” he showed us around his home, which was festooned with pictures of broken hearts.  He plans to distribute heart-shaped candies to his friends and coworkers which bear such messages as “Get Bent” and “You Suck.”  He plans on sending hateful off-Hallmark greeting cards to all his ex-girlfriends, including one with a front which reads “I miss you…” and an inside featuring a crosshairs and reading “…but my aim is improving.”  There is a paper-maché sculpture of a cherubic Cupid, pincushioned with arrows, dangling from a tree in his front yard.

When asked how much all this cost, Hobbes skirted a direct number, saying only that “The cost was totally worth it.”

What’s strangest about this tale of anti-commercial commercialism is that Reggie Hobbes isn’t some loveless malcontent rebelling against Valentine’s Day out of loneliness.  His wife of 13 years, Marjorie Hobbes, is supportive of his Valentine’s disdain, and their son, 10 year old Marty, helped decorate the house.

“I think hating a holiday based on love has really brought our family together,” Marjorie said.

 

Valentine’s Day ≠ VD, Study Shows

 

Dissenters of the usual Valentine’s Day traditions refer to the romantic holiday by many names, including the Hallmark Holiday and the Night of 1,000,000 Faked Orgasms.  Yet according to a study conducted by the Center for Disease Control, one name that is inaccurate for these romance critics to use is VD.

This study, designed to measure which holidays saw the most spread of sexually transmitted diseases, collected case data from hundreds of clinics across the country.  “In terms of STD proliferation, Valentine’s Day is surprisingly small potatoes,” noted project lead Byron Torrance.  “You’re actually much more likely to get the clap on Flag Day than on Valentine’s Day.”

While the report lists greater transmission rates during predictable holidays such as St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve, there are other holidays which see a surprisingly greater rate of disease spread as well.  Columbus Day sees 45% more transmission of Chlamydia and 27% more syphilis, President’s Day sees 37% more cases of genital warts, Father’s Day sees 41% more gonorrhea, and Purim sees an astonishing 65% more crabs.

The main offender?  “May Day,” Torrance responded.  “It’s a veritable cesspool of disease.  I wouldn’t touch a doorknob on that day without cleaning my hands with sanitizer afterwards.  It must be something about dancing around a large phallic object that gets the blood up.”

When asked why Valentine’s Day’s rates of STD spread are so low, Torrance was at a loss.  “I can’t declare with any finality,” he said, “but my best guess is that, with all the effort put into the day’s grand romantic gestures, it’s all rehearsal and no show.”

Labor Day Groundhog Sees Own Shadow, Predicts Six More Months of Severe Economic Disparity

Kill the poor!

SCOTTSDALE, AZ (AP) – Carrying on a tradition that hails back to the inauguration of Ronald Reagan in 1981, the citizens of Scottsdale celebrated Labor Day with the unveiling of Scottsdale Sam, a groundhog used to predict the nation’s immediate economic future.  This year’s festivities were attended by such American luminaries as Texas governor Rick Perry, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin, and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and the celebration went off without a hitch.

Climbing through a patch of overly irrigated green desert lawn, Scottsdale Sam surfaced at 12:37 pm (though various reports have the time at 11:37 am, as Arizona doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings Time).  Surrounded by a diverse audience of highball-drinking country clubbers, heavily armed rednecks, and Tea Party Patriots dressed as the Founding Fathers, the groundhog sniffed the dry desert air for a moment before abruptly glaring at the crowd and darting back into the imported soil, signifying six more months of consolidation of the nation’s capital in the hands of the extremely wealthy.

Cheers immediately rose from the crowd, followed by chants of “Don’t retreat, reload!” and a Mariachi band performing a rendition of the Dead Kennedys’ “Kill the Poor.”  Soon after, the audience began firing assault rifles into the air.

A nine year old girl, yet unidentified, was shot and killed in the crossfire, but since Arizona legalized the shooting of nine year old girls at public rallies following this year’s assault on Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, there was little outcry.  The body was quickly removed by the help.

“Oh Jesus, this is the best time!” Governor Palin exclaimed to the boisterous crowd.  “Scottsdale Sam has once more proven what the rest of the nation already knows: that you people are what makes this nation great!”

Squinting into the sunlight, Palin adjusted her gaze and pointed toward a group of high-powered bankers lurking around the bar.  “Wait,” she addressed them, “I mean you people are what makes this nation great!”

Rebecca Black Contracted to Sing New Theme to “Monday Night Football”

The new face of football. You will take it, and you will like it!

Internet singing sensation Rebecca Black has quickly rocketed to the pinnacle of pop culture for her cheerful smash hit, “Friday.”  Yesterday it was announced that ESPN seeks to capitalize on her sudden fame by having contracted Black to sing the new theme for Monday Night Football.

“There’s no downside,” MNF director Chip Dean stated in yesterday’s press conference.  “Hank Williams’ theme for Monday Night Football was a classic, an iconic song that will always be associated with the greatness of the sport.  But it’s time that we start going after the YouTube generation, and Rebecca Black is one of its brightest stars at the moment.  It’s a perfect fit for us.”

Dean was unable to disclose details of the show’s new theme, save that its lyrics would inform the audience that Monday comes after Sunday, which comes after Saturday, which comes after Friday.  Furthermore, the song will mention that Tuesday comes after Monday, Wednesday comes after Tuesday, Thursday comes after Wednesday, and Thursday is followed by Friday.

The director was highly optimistic about the public’s reaction to Rebecca Black’s reimagining.  “People are going to love it.  It’s going to be fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!”

 

(If it’s half as good as this, football’s due for a renaissance!)

Operation: Arizona Bay

Bill Hicks Death Robot Initiates Final Phase of “Operation: Arizona Bay”

Bill Hicks: Death Robot

CALIFORNIA (AP) ─ The comedian Bill Hicks, long thought to have died thirteen years ago as a result of pancreatic cancer, revealed his continued existence to the world on Wednesday, in a dick-joke laden YouTube video where he claimed responsibility for the current plague of California wildfires.  In this message, Hicks, whose head had clearly been grafted onto a cybernetic body, disclosed that these fires are but pieces of a horrifying master plan which he dubbed “Operation: Arizona Bay”.

Alleged to be in control of a massive army of drug-zombies, androids, Gideons, and other freethinking ne’er-do-wells, the fascist funnyman unveiled all aspects of his conspiracy to the public.  According to Hicks, the last thirteen years of his existence have been spent in hiding within a Shaftesbury dustbin which he has modified into a top secret supervillian lair.  His cult following, long thought to have been a harmless fringe of pseudo-intellectuals, has transformed over the years into a monstrous collective, devoted almost single-mindedly to the destruction of California and its expulsion into the Pacific Ocean.

Operation: Arizona Bay, asserts its leader, has been behind almost every major catastrophe to strike California since the Los Angeles Riots.  Hicks declared in his missive that his conspiracy has been behind, among many events, the election of governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, the wildfires of 2003 and today, and the rise to prominence of graphic novelist Garth Ennis, the rock band Tool, and Facebook.

Hicks concluded this speech with an announcement that the final phase of Operation: Arizona Bay is about to commence.  Its goal: the detonations of nuclear devices placed within all major California fault lines.  He then took a long, slow drag from a Pall Mall cigarette, and gave the camera the finger.

“This is the worst fuckin’ audience ever, man,”  he said, as the video ended.

No demands were made.

Governor, Arsonist, Machine.

Reaction to this omen of cataclysm has been panicked and severe.  Firefighters discovered Governor Schwarzenegger in grasslands northeast of San Diego, where he was engulfing acres of vegetation with a flamethrower.  Police and SWAT officers at the scene were forced to open fire upon the governor, which revealed him to be a death robot.  Schwarzenegger then proceeded to vigorously grope female officers before being lured into a smelting plant by Eddie Furlong and thrown into a pool of molten steel.

Maria Shriver has been arrested and shipped to Guantanamo Bay in retaliation.

The government has wasted no time in combating Hicks’ shenanigans.  On the night of the unveiling of Operation: Arizona Bay, agents of the NSA recruited fellow comedian and television firefighter Denis Leary into a clandestine mission designed to put a stop to his former colleague.  Leary, who has long been accused of stealing Hicks’ act of hard smoking, protest-laced diatribes, has been vouched for by President Obama as being “…the only guy who really knows how Hicks ticks.”

Information has led the United States intelligence services to believe that Hicks has holed up inside the Tomcats Theatre on Hollywood’s Santa Monica Boulevard.  Leary has been dispatched to the area, armed with a firefighter’s axe and a pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes.  Unfortunately, the government neglected to gift the hero with any money to pay for parking.

California's Last Hope

“I’m out twenty bucks, you fuckers!” Leary exploded as he parked his fire truck and entered the theatre, the weight of the free world on his angry shoulders.  “If I make it out of here, you sons of bitches are gonna get me a sequel to Demolition Man!

A nation’s lowest common denominator waits, and prays.