In case you need help remembering, this is Whitney Houston.

GARY, INDIANA (AP) ‒ Like many other people stunned by Whitney Houston’s sudden death last week, Lavonne Pierce reacted to the singer’s demise with an outpouring of emotion.

“Whitney has meant so much to me over the years,” Pierce said as she fought off tears.  “Her music has touched my life so deeply, I can’t go a single day without it coming through me in some way.  And now she’s gone.  I just don’t know how I’m gonna deal with it.”

When asked about her favorite Whitney moments, Pierce, a grade school substitute teacher in the Gary School District, took a deep breath and composed herself.  After a moment, a wistful, peaceful look came to her face, accompanied with a hint of a smile.

“I suppose my favorite thing of Whitney’s is the same as a lot of people’s,” she answered, “I mean, ‘My Heart Will Go On’ is such an iconic song, it’s hard to name anything better.  Whitney really knocked it out of the park on that one.”

As she continued to discuss the fallen pop icon, it became clear that Lavonne Pierce had confused Whitney Houston with Celene Dion.

This reporter attempted to clarify the error, but Pierce refused to listen.  “No!  Whitney starred in Titanic, and she sang the theme song, too!  Kevin Costner had to save her from an iceberg that was stalking her and sneaking into her ship’s quarters on the Titanic while she was out singing!  Billy Zane tried to shoot her with a gun hidden in a videocamera, the jerk!”

“That rendition of ‘I’m Every Woman’ that Whitney sang with the iceberg, wow!” she added.  “What a scorcher!”

Pierce went on to misremember other highlights in Houston’s career, crediting the achievements of many prominent female singers to her.  “Those pet adoption commercials she made were really heartbreaking, but they really opened my eyes to the suffering of animals.  That song she sang about partying on Friday was a real hoot, too!  And that book she made with Anne Geddes and all those sleeping babies was a Total Cute Overload!”

When asked if she had learned any lessons from Whitney’s troubled times, Pierce nodded solemnly.  “Yeah.  She never should have dated that Lance Armstrong.  He was no good to her.  I don’t care how many times he’s won the Tour de France; if you don’t have love in your heart, it ain’t gonna work out!”

This Friday, Pierce plans to mourn privately with a few girlfriends.  During the gathering she plans to play Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” to commemorate the life of Whitney Houston.  “I know that Elton wrote this song right after Princess Diana died,” Pierce noted, “but it’s so touching and timeless that I don’t think he’ll mind.”

February 17, 2012
Categories: Comedy, Fake News, Satire . . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

BUY ME.

Single Man Refuses to Support Valentine’s Day Industry, Purchases Many Anti-Valentine’s Day Products to Show It

A Bangor man, Reggie Hobbes of 713 Cat Food Factory Lane, has had enough of the commercialization of Valentine’s Day ‒ and he has bought the merchandise to let you know it.

“I’m always disgusted at this time of year,” Hobbes, age 43, said.  “The greeting card industry, the out of season flower dealers, and the chocolate robber barons like to turn up the heat on the common man on the 14th of February, telling him that if he doesn’t buy a lot of meaningless crap for his girl, then he’s a failure as a guy.  I’m done with all that.”

To show his contempt, Hobbes has purchased a multitude of banners, clothing, yard decorations, candy, and greeting cards which malign and deride Valentine’s Day.  Wearing a black t-shirt which reads “Love is for Losers,” he showed us around his home, which was festooned with pictures of broken hearts.  He plans to distribute heart-shaped candies to his friends and coworkers which bear such messages as “Get Bent” and “You Suck.”  He plans on sending hateful off-Hallmark greeting cards to all his ex-girlfriends, including one with a front which reads “I miss you…” and an inside featuring a crosshairs and reading “…but my aim is improving.”  There is a paper-maché sculpture of a cherubic Cupid, pincushioned with arrows, dangling from a tree in his front yard.

When asked how much all this cost, Hobbes skirted a direct number, saying only that “The cost was totally worth it.”

What’s strangest about this tale of anti-commercial commercialism is that Reggie Hobbes isn’t some loveless malcontent rebelling against Valentine’s Day out of loneliness.  His wife of 13 years, Marjorie Hobbes, is supportive of his Valentine’s disdain, and their son, 10 year old Marty, helped decorate the house.

“I think hating a holiday based on love has really brought our family together,” Marjorie said.

Valentine’s Day ≠ VD, Study Shows

Dissenters of the usual Valentine’s Day traditions refer to the romantic holiday by many names, including the Hallmark Holiday and the Night of 1,000,000 Faked Orgasms.  Yet according to a study conducted by the Center for Disease Control, one name that is inaccurate for these romance critics to use is VD.

This study, designed to measure which holidays saw the most spread of sexually transmitted diseases, collected case data from hundreds of clinics across the country.  “In terms of STD proliferation, Valentine’s Day is surprisingly small potatoes,” noted project lead Byron Torrance.  “You’re actually much more likely to get the clap on Flag Day than on Valentine’s Day.”

While the report lists greater transmission rates during predictable holidays such as St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve, there are other holidays which see a surprisingly greater rate of disease spread as well.  Columbus Day sees 45% more transmission of Chlamydia and 27% more syphilis, President’s Day sees 37% more cases of genital warts, Father’s Day sees 41% more gonorrhea, and Purim sees an astonishing 65% more crabs.

The main offender?  “May Day,” Torrance responded.  “It’s a veritable cesspool of disease.  I wouldn’t touch a doorknob on that day without cleaning my hands with sanitizer afterwards.  It must be something about dancing around a large phallic object that gets the blood up.”

When asked why Valentine’s Day’s rates of STD spread are so low, Torrance was at a loss.  “I can’t declare with any finality,” he said, “but my best guess is that, with all the effort put into the day’s grand romantic gestures, it’s all rehearsal and no show.”

February 11, 2012
Categories: Comedy, Fake News, Satire . . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

Kill the poor!

SCOTTSDALE, AZ (AP) – Carrying on a tradition that hails back to the inauguration of Ronald Reagan in 1981, the citizens of Scottsdale celebrated Labor Day with the unveiling of Scottsdale Sam, a groundhog used to predict the nation’s immediate economic future.  This year’s festivities were attended by such American luminaries as Texas governor Rick Perry, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin, and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and the celebration went off without a hitch.

Climbing through a patch of overly irrigated green desert lawn, Scottsdale Sam surfaced at 12:37 pm (though various reports have the time at 11:37 am, as Arizona doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings Time).  Surrounded by a diverse audience of highball-drinking country clubbers, heavily armed rednecks, and Tea Party Patriots dressed as the Founding Fathers, the groundhog sniffed the dry desert air for a moment before abruptly glaring at the crowd and darting back into the imported soil, signifying six more months of consolidation of the nation’s capital in the hands of the extremely wealthy.

Cheers immediately rose from the crowd, followed by chants of “Don’t retreat, reload!” and a Mariachi band performing a rendition of the Dead Kennedys’ “Kill the Poor.”  Soon after, the audience began firing assault rifles into the air.

A nine year old girl, yet unidentified, was shot and killed in the crossfire, but since Arizona legalized the shooting of nine year old girls at public rallies following this year’s assault on Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, there was little outcry.  The body was quickly removed by the help.

“Oh Jesus, this is the best time!” Governor Palin exclaimed to the boisterous crowd.  “Scottsdale Sam has once more proven what the rest of the nation already knows: that you people are what makes this nation great!”

Squinting into the sunlight, Palin adjusted her gaze and pointed toward a group of high-powered bankers lurking around the bar.  “Wait,” she addressed them, “I mean you people are what makes this nation great!”

September 5, 2011
Categories: Comedy, Fake News, Satire . . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

The new face of football. You will take it, and you will like it!

Internet singing sensation Rebecca Black has quickly rocketed to the pinnacle of pop culture for her cheerful smash hit, “Friday.”  Yesterday it was announced that ESPN seeks to capitalize on her sudden fame by having contracted Black to sing the new theme for Monday Night Football.

“There’s no downside,” MNF director Chip Dean stated in yesterday’s press conference.  “Hank Williams’ theme for Monday Night Football was a classic, an iconic song that will always be associated with the greatness of the sport.  But it’s time that we start going after the YouTube generation, and Rebecca Black is one of its brightest stars at the moment.  It’s a perfect fit for us.”

Dean was unable to disclose details of the show’s new theme, save that its lyrics would inform the audience that Monday comes after Sunday, which comes after Saturday, which comes after Friday.  Furthermore, the song will mention that Tuesday comes after Monday, Wednesday comes after Tuesday, Thursday comes after Wednesday, and Thursday is followed by Friday.

The director was highly optimistic about the public’s reaction to Rebecca Black’s reimagining.  “People are going to love it.  It’s going to be fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!”

(If it’s half as good as this, football’s due for a renaissance!)

March 29, 2011
Categories: Comedy, Fake News, Satire . . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment