Stimulus: Christmas Music for People Who Hate Christmas Music
If you have a job that requires you to work in a store in December, then you probably hate the seasonal onslaught of holiday music with a white-hot passion. Me, I have a special fantasy involving a time machine, Bing Crosby, Nat “King” Cole, and a steel chair studded with nails. Really, I’d expand that fantasy to include any jackass rock band who decides that the world just could not survive without its take on the classics (I’m looking at you, Barenaked Ladies). Yet fear not, fellow Christmas sufferers, for there is holiday music out there that will not make you consider seasonal rampage! Enclosed are my suggestions; feel free to sneak them into your store’s playlist.
Neil Diamond – A Cherry Cherry Christmas
Really, I only suggest this because I’m kind of a nerd for Neil. Beyond the sheer joy that is Neil Diamond, this is a pretty square affair. The only swerve comes when Neil appropriates Adam Sandler’s “The Chanukah Song” – though he sort of blows it by endorsing gin and tonickah yet not supporting the smoking of marijuanikah. Holiday double standard!
Tori Amos – Midwinter Graces
It’s a Tori Amos album, sad and full of piano. Its holiday sensibilities run pretty pagan; it barely qualifies as a Christmas album, at least in the sterile modern sense. If you like Tori Amos, you will like this.
Twisted Sister – A Twisted Christmas
I love this album. Twisted Sister rules Christmas. The songs aren’t much more than heavy metal versions of the old holiday standards, and for all their distortion they’re played pretty straightforward. Still, there’s something joyous about hearing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” played almost exactly like “We’re Not Gonna Take It.” This is the only Christmas album that will have you pumping your fist with joy.
Fred Schneider and the Superions – Destination… Christmas!
My respectful boner for Neil Diamond multiplies tenfold for Fred Schneider of the B-52s. Besides having the benefit of being comprised entirely of original Christmas songs, Destination… Christmas! is a balls to the wall celebration of the absurd. Schneider rocks it wild, singing about fruitcakes, murderous yetis, crummy trees, and lame relatives. He lurches around like a drunken old pervert in “Jingle Those Bells” and subjects the listener to four minutes of nothing but French orgasmic moaning and jolly ho ho hos at the final track (“Santa, Je T’aime”). Best Christmas album ever.
Julie Silver – It’s Chanukah Time
I only mention this one because I have a redneck friend whom I gave this to one Christmas as a joke on his suburban racism, and apparently he still listens to it. Breaking down barriers!
Happy Holidays, and keep Mithras in Christmas!
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