Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Chairman of the Board

 

Somehow, I feel as though the movie was responsible for this...

 

Directed By: Alex Zamm

Starring: Carrot Top, Jack Warden, Courtney Thorne-Smith

Written By: Al Septien, Turi Meyer, Alex Zamm

Even before he got all beefy and plastic-faced Carrot Top was one of the most reviled comedians in history. Only Gallagher, Sinbad, and Gilbert Gottfried draw comparable cringes (though Gilbert is a goddamn genius). So of course, it was only a matter of time before somebody gave the Propmaster General a shot at the silver screen, crammed every second of film with his wacky gadgets and inventions, and leaned back to wait for the dough to roll in. Idiot.

Chairman of the Board is one of the most savaged flicks of all time, badmouthed by Mystery Science Theater 3000 alumni Mike Nelson – a man who has seen his fair share of crap – as one of his most despised comedies. It currently ranks #66 on IMDB’s Worst Movies list. Babies cry when the movie’s case is held in front of them. But fear not, loyal crapseekers! I shall take it upon myself to defend this fine diamond of comedy from the cinematic philistines!

When I forced my similarly warped friends to watch this epic, their main complaints revolved around their intrinsic prejudices toward Mr. Top, not the humorous content of the film itself. They wanted to like the film, especially the parts where the always awesome Jack Warden shows up, surfs, dies, and stars in the greatest video will ever made, involving a flight to heaven on a winged bed. For reasons unknown to any sane person, Warden leaves his multimillion dollar empire to the gadgeteer ginger freak he met not weeks before. Top sets to work winning over striking workers with Luau Wednesdays, funding the harebrained schemes of Beetlejuice’s Otho, and bumbling his way into the heart of the blonde chick from Melrose Place. In the wings, Warden’s stuffed shirt bastard nephew schemes against Mr. Top in order to claim the company. It’s all a little bit Billy Madison by way of Pee-Wee Herman, which is fine, because both rule.

My friends, and the rest of the so-called movie media, are bigoted fools for their dismissal of the great Carrot Top. Chairman of the Board is a masterpiece of Prop-aganda! I can only wait and hope that Mr. Top will find the strength to make Chairman of the Board 2, where he goes on roid rampages and fights Gallagher Too with a boxing glove jack-in-the-box. It would be a beautiful dream come true.

 

Hopefully, the Chairman of the Bored will be there...

 

 

...or at least Yahoo Serious.

 

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