Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: The Final Sacrifice

Rowsdower!

Movie: The Final Sacrifice (1990)

Director: Tjardus Greidanus

Starring: Christian Malcolm, Bruce J. Mitchell

Written by: Tjardus Greidanus

ROWSDOWER!!!

That was the call that resonated through the hills and fields of fabled Canada in 1990, when this film became the country’s greatest national treasure.  This story of a washed up, mullet-sporting Denim Dan fighting the forces of evil is as inspiring as any tale since the dawn of man.  The heroic Zap Rowsdower – and yes, that’s his real name – perpetually exists one breath away from a cholesterol and alcohol-induced heart attack.  Yet he perseveres, and history is eternally in his debt!

The Final Sacrifice chronicles the triumphant tale of Zap Rowsdower as he combats an evil extraterrestrial cult led by Satoris, a Nazi-chic goofball with a popped collar and demonically dubbed voice.  Rowsdower is pulled into the fracas by Troy, a terminal Nancy Boy whose father died investigating the cult.  Undeterred by this radioactive sissy, brave Rowsdower takes young Troy under his wing, and the pair hit the road in a truck that’s even more close to death than our hero.  Extreme heroism ensues, including bike versus car chases, chainsaw home invasions, flaming automotive repair, awkward nights of camping, and close-range shootouts in which nobody takes a bullet.  At the end of this epic adventure, Rowsdower battles Satoris for the fate of the world in a grappling hook versus flaming torch deathmatch for the ages!

Mike Pipper - Grizzled Genius

I would be remiss if I neglected to mention the greatness of one more character in this tale of astonishment.  While on the run through the vast Canadian wilderness, Troy and Rowsdower discover the residence of one Mike Pipper, an old associate of Troy’s father.  This man is amazing!  Life has turned this former archaeologist into a grizzled old hermit bearing the improbable combination of a sweet afro, a giant beard, and a voice scraped from Yosemite Sam’s raspy soul.  Next to Rowsdower himself, Mr. Pipper rules this chronicle with squinty-eyed magnificence, and his sage advice and half-dead horse are essential to Rowsdower’s quest.

All of these elements combine to form a legend that will live on for ages.  Zap Rowsdower is both the reason why Canada will always play second fiddle to the United States and the reason why those same United States will never succeed in annexing its northern neighbor.  His story is an inspiration to us all!

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