Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Drop Dead Fred

Drop Dead Fred: Best Hero Ever

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

Directed by: Ate de Jong

Starring: Phoebe Cates, Rik Mayall, Marsha Mason

Written by: Elizabeth Livingston, Carlos Davis, Anthony Fingleton

This is my favorite movie. No question. I’ve loved this movie ever since I was 11, when its joy came primarily from the ridiculous idea of a child robbing her own house, at the prompting of her crazed imaginary friend. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to appreciate the grown-up bits, which show the former child selling out and falling into a miserable life. Elizabeth’s husband is a beautiful dick who screws around, and her mom is a psycho megabeast who storms back into Elizabeth’s life after the husband splits. The grown-up is forcibly returned to the family house, where she discovers an abandoned jack-in-the-box which releases her imaginary friend from his prison. Once freed, Drop Dead Fred, a magnificent creature of wild orange hair and leprechaun green suits, destroys everything in sight. He smears dog poop on chairs, sinks a houseboat while playing pirates, and removes muscular winos from their togas. Drop Dead Fred is one of the greatest comic madmen of all time, and without doubt the king of the imaginary friends.

The film’s narrative shuffles between the child and adult Elizabeth’s dealings with Drop Dead Fred, and to be honest, Fred’s misadventures with young Elizabeth will always be the most fun part of this film. The figment’s effect on the grown-up is purposely awkward, illustrating how much Elizabeth has forgotten since the days when her imagination wreaked havoc. However, the scenes depicting those halcyon times are acts of insane happiness, with the kid giving herself completely to Fredness and dancing in his clouds of Cornflakes Disease. This manic glee, while being delightful to watch, also gives a great sadness to the point in time when Fred gets locked away and Elizabeth slides into the gray world of manners. Consequently, the broken adult to come from this grows more sympathetic as Drop Dead Fred continues to ruin her life and save her soul.

Rik Mayall, who gained fame in English television for his various twit roles – the most notable of these being the Cliff Richard worshipping college anarchist in The Young Ones – is absolutely perfect as a figment of imagination. His Fred prances, and sneers, and smashes, and punches Go to Hell Herman in the face – all with a sarcastic majesty that gives the film an overwhelming, childish joy. From the moment I set eyes on him, Drop Dead Fred became one of my all time heroes, and even though I’ve grown up, I still love him with all my heart.

So much so, that I did this. COBWEBS!

August 13, 2010
Categories: Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre . . Author: Y . Comments: 3 Comments

Jammin’ George: LOCAL HERO.

Jammin' George

The first thing I noticed when I met up with local comedian and surrealist Jammin’ George was that he had a bobble-head of himself sitting on his table. It wasn’t a total likeness; the sculpture reminded me of Harry Caray whereas George, a big man with close-cropped white hair and rectangular black glasses, looks more like Drew Carey. But the fact that Jammin’ George commissioned a bobble-head to be made of him is stunning. It’s one more way by which he crawls into one’s head and wreaks havoc.

My relationship with Jammin’ George is full of such brain-melting incidents. Earlier in the year, my cohort Shuggypop Jackson got a hold of me and delivered an urgent message: he had something he had to show me. His offering was Jammin’ George’s Land of Fun, an hour-long video in which George dances to music, reads poetry, does impersonations, and films his television. It’s one of the most bizarre videos I’ve ever seen, but the strangest thing is that I’ve watched it so many times that I’m no longer fazed.

The Sweet Shop janitor known on his paychecks as George Haug is a joyous man, quick to ham it up and not given to extensive self-examination. The one thing he isn’t is a one trick pony. Land of Fun, which was made circa 2006, is his newest project, but Jammin’ George has been around for decades. In that time, he’s also been a stand-up comedian, written his own newsletter, and released three comedy albums. His current goals are to get some of his videos up on YouTube and perhaps make it to the Twin Cities to do a few shows.

“I’ve been a comedian since the early 80s,” said George. “I started out writing newsletters, these ‘Jam Reviews.’ Then at Popcorn Tavern’s open mics I would get up and do a little schtick, little jokes, and they asked me to do more and more. [I usually perform] once a month, maybe once every other month. I haven’t done it for a while.”

George described his stand-up as such: “I do one-liners, but I also do impressions or lip-sync somebody, like Roger Whittaker’s ‘Wind beneath My Wings.’”

His influences, both in comedy and beyond it, range from the obvious to the surprising. George is a big fan of Chris Farley, John Candy, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, and Bill Murray, but he’s also into surreal artists such as Jackson Pollock and Pablo Picasso. In reading his newsletters I picked up an affinity for Tracy Chapman and the Grateful Dead. The fact that he likes the expectation-shattering Andy Kaufman is no surprise.

He LOVES Alice from The Brady Bunch.

George’s newsletter, The Jam Review, captures the full spirit of Jammin’ George. The volumes which George brought to the interview ranged from 1989 to 2001, and were filled with one-liners, poetry, photography, and strange stories. One story described “The Weekend from Hell,” in which George had to deal with his shiftless brother-in-law, who drank heavily and stuck George with the bills. In one edition there’s an autograph from Danica McKellar, who played Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. Her picture next to the autograph is in negative, giving the whole exhibit a disturbing quality.

“I had my dad’s secretary type them up, and I took them to the printer. I was taking them to RC Printing, down by WKBT. I had about 12 issues, about 100 or so [copies], and they’d have them at the Co-Op or Deaf Ear. It was kind of fun, but my brother goes: ‘You don’t think people are actually gonna read these?’ They were very odd.”

The Jammin' George Audio Collection

Jammin’ George followed this project up with audio recordings, beginning with a series of tapes and resulting in three comedy albums. In chronological order, they are Giving the Fans What They Want, The Joke’s On You, and Jammin’ George’s Buffet. The old tapes were mostly helmed by Chris Zobin or John Boyle, frequent contributors to Jammin’ George’s misadventures. Boyle also helped produce Fans, whereas Ken Eisler helped create the two latter albums. Though much of what I heard on the audio recordings consisted of one-liners, Jammin’ George attempted to translate his entire act to the albums. “At the end [of Buffet] I sing ‘Cheer Up, Charlie,’ and I’ll sing that song by Barry Manilow, ‘I Write the Songs,’ except it’s ‘I Write the Jokes.’”

A few smaller videos followed, filmed by George’s neighbor John Ross, before the pair created Jammin’ George’s Land of Fun. On the differences between recording an album and a video, Jammin’ George said: “When you’re doing a CD you can read the whole thing; you almost have to wing it in a video, but it’s the most fun.”

Jammin’ George isn’t in this for the money. George has released roughly a hundred copies of each newsletter, album, and video, and most of the time he gives them away for free. With his video, the reason is partly because he’s playing copyrighted music and filming television shows, so there would be an easy infringement case if he tried to turn a buck. But the greater truth is that he would rather someone find his work for free than not find it at all. An example came during my interview as George gave me a t-shirt featuring the Jammin’ George bobble-head, with no thought of repayment.

It’s one more way in which Jammin’ George sets himself apart from typically safe and fantastically average comedians. The current state of comedy doesn’t impress George much. “It’s pretty lame. Most [comedians] always tell the same [jokes],” he explained. The problem, in his estimate, is that it’s too easy to predict what a comedian will be like.

Do people know what to expect from Jammin’ George? After laughing long and hard, he answered: “Maybe, sometimes.”

Oh yeah. He has a bobblehead.

August 12, 2010
Categories: Interview, Y Spy . Tags: , . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Jammin’ George’s Land of Fun

Jammin' George

I don’t know what the hell I just saw. I just know that it’s Shuggypop’s fault. He got a hold of me today, saying that he had the perfect movie for me to feature in Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre. Intrigued, I invited him to my house, where he proceeded to show me the most mind-blowing thing I’ve seen since Trailer Town. I can best describe it as a home video variety show for the insane, hosted by a man with the body of Drew Carey and the rockin’ soul of Wesley Willis. And best of all, this guy is local. Jammin’ George found Shuggy and gave him one of the only copies of his Land of Fun, and our lives are forever changed by its majesty. I made a list of all the crazy shit that happens in Jammin’ George’s hour of power. That list is three times as long as this review is going to be.

Jammin’ George’s Land of Fun is roughly divided into a few themes: where George rocks out to music, where George talks to the camera and tells jokes, puppet shows, poetry reading, impersonations, long musical numbers, and bits where George just films whatever’s playing on television. As could be guessed, it’s roughly made and even more roughly edited. There are multiple times where George tells the cameraman to stop filming, the camera occasionally shows the time and date, and those long musical numbers get uncomfortably Kaufmaneque toward the end. But similar to the music of Wesley Willis, you have to take the rough to get the diamonds – and the diamonds are many.

Immediately, Jammin’ George takes no prisoners. He gets things started by wearing a purple beret and whirling around a countryside while “The Sound of Music” plays. The opening sketches are great, but the first one that really knocked me on my ass what when George wears a hot pink shirt and a hot pink feather boa and sashays around to the theme of “The Young and the Restless.” After a series of sketches in which his gray t-shirt gets progressively sweatier, he launches into a puppet show based on the Land of Make-Believe from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, where the cats get jobs cleaning King Friday’s bathroom. After a Manilow-inspired musical tribute to Oprah, George begins a few of those lengthy music and television phases, the most surprising two being a performance by Billy Corgan on the Bozo the Clown Show, and George filming a video of himself singing “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” A robot would have died from paradox at that point.

And then, there’s much, much more glorious ridiculousness.

Jammin’ George. LOCAL HERO.

The Land of Fun!

Here are the notes I compiled as I allowed Jammin’ George to destroy my fragile little mind.

* * *

A variety show for the insane.

A cross between Drew Carey, Jim Gaffigan, and Wesley Willis

* * *

*George dancing to the Sound of Music in a purple beret

*Foxworthy Redneck joke.  Bambi is the bible for hunters, and apparently Bambi is the story of the birth of Jesus

*“What would Alice from the Brady Bunch do at a time like this?” and then proceeds to sing.

*George provides rim shots to George Burns doing jokes at a Friar’s Roast while filming a picture of a rubber chicken.  Then, a rim shot to “Get your damn hands off me, you damn dirty ape!”

*A creepy 12 Days of Christmas “Three burritos farting…”

*In a pink blazer and boa, swishing around to the theme from “The Young and the Restless.”

*Rock music playing over a pic of George and his mom (I think)

* * *

THE PROGRESSIVELY SWEATY GRAY SHIRT PHASE

*Gray shirt phase one: Interpretive dance to “Memory” from Cats, wearing a Pikachu coonskin cap, wearing a gray t-shirt that gets progressively sweatier as the sketches wear on

*Gray shirt phase two: stop motion to a rock out to the Rolling Stones’ “Beast of Burden.”

*Gray shirt phase three: “Hello, Clarice,” into the phone.  Then asks for milk from Kwik Trip and promises loving.  Then hangs up and stares at the phone for an uncomfortable amount of time.

*Gray shirt phase four: Flailing and dancing his heart out to “She’s a maniac.”  Kicks the air.

*Gray shirt phase five: Reading inspirational Maya Angelou quotes off a card.  Offers his own inspirational quote about being wasted in Ambrosiaville

*Gray shirt phase six: Lady across the hall? Getting a pet rock neutered

*Gray shirt phase seven: Whistling to upbeat tropical guitar rock.

*Gray shirt phase eight: Playing with nun dolls and wearing a flying nun hat, while singing to “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

* * *

*Daniel Tiger and Henrietta Pussycat sitting on a couch eating Funyuns and drining orange drink, then watching an episode of Mr. Rogers.  George FILMS the actual show as it plays on his TV.  Then he enters the Land of Make-Believe.  King Friday interviews the cats, who get the jobs cleaning the toilets because nobody else applied.  They go to dinner with everyone, and Daniel, a vegetarian, orders pasta and chicken, but gets ham.  King Friday then fires them, and then Daniel shows off his truck to Henrietta.

*“An Opera of Oprah,” George dresses up as Oprah, and then Dr. Phil, who then serenades the camera to the tune of Manilow’s “Mandy.”

* * *

THE UNCOMFORTABLY LONG MUSIC AND TELEVISION PERIOD

*Films the TV as it plays HR Pufnstuf

*George teaches us to make toast.  He does nothing unusual during this.

*Story Time: George reads his own episode of “Curb your Enthusiasm” to two guys on the couch.  Classical music plays in the background.  Excessive detail.

*Films the TV as Billy Corgan performs at the Bozo the Clown Show and a kid-filled montage plays.

*Films the TV as the opening to the Brady Bunch plays.  George shouts “Alice!” when she shows up at the end.  A slow burn with a big payoff.

*Films the TV as Jammin’ George sings “Wind Beneath My Wings” at a bar.  Lives the lyrics.  This would be the part where a robot’s head blows up from all the surrealism.

*A still photo of George on a couch, overlain by a touching acoustic guitar song titled “Don’t Laugh at Me.”

* * *

*A remake of The Flying Nun

*In a bunny suit, saying “Trix are for bunnies” before he hops around.

*In a curly red wig, pretending to knead dough.  Wasted in Ambrosiaville, again.

* * *

THE LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE PHASE, PART TWO

*A long, uncomfortable shot of what I think is George pretending to be on life support in a bed, wearing an oxygen mask.  He tries to pretend he’s in a coma, but occasionally twitches.

*White Balance Hell.  George holds up a doll, doesn’t move at all, and blinks repeatedly into the camera while a Sinatra song plays in its entirety.  The top of his head and the white wall behind him are indistinguishable.  At the end, he grabs a pie and smashes it into his face.

*Wearing a cheesehead top hat, twirling a cane around and kicking to “New York, New York.”  Occasionally his kicks run out of steam.

* * *

IMITATION HOUR

*Wearing a blond wig, possibly making fun of a Toyota dealership.

*Holding a bible and singing Alleluia.

*“As David Letterman would say, “’Here Kitty Kitty.’”

*I don’t want pancakes

*His country song, while wearing a cheesehead cowboy hat

*Dr. Phil, get excited about your life!

*Imitating the guy from Sling Blade.  Grunting.

*Reading a poem – “A Filet of Aspirin”  “Slow dancing with Charo/ Give me the simple life.”

*In the car joke.

*Singing about biscuits

*Imitating Lucille ball by crying loudly in a red wig

*In another wig, singing

*Flo from Alice “Kiss my grits!”

*Saturday Night Fever

*Wearing a curly wig and imitating John Legend

* * *

HOT PINK SHIRT

*In a hot pink blazer and shirt, saying that if you crossed Howie Mandel with Nathan Lane, you’d get Annoying Olympics

*Singing about how great life is

*Getting serious: “You will never go down the drain.  You’re bigger than all the soap and all the bubbles.”

*Pretending to vacuum

*Getting a phone call from himself, in a wig

*Imitating Aunt Bee and Andy Griffith

*Save big money at Menards.  “A 15 Inch tape measurer…”

* * *

*Filming the end of John Travolta’s Bubble Boy.  “They don’t make songs like that anymore!”  As Travolta rides away with a girl on horseback, George cheers that Bubble Boy got the girl.

* * *

THE FINALE

*Wearing a bunch of wigs and acting like a lady

*Dressed up as an old veteran who thinks George is disturbed.

*Audition for Wheel of Fortune: clapping a lot.

*Being “On TV”: wearing a TV on his head.  Imitates Mr. Brady, has a nun on TV, then sings the Down the Drain song again.

*Sings “Ebony and Ivory” to bring the whites and blacks together.

*Bothers the Curb Your Enthusiasm guys as they walk down the hall

*Two dolls eating dinner

*George in a car, saying that he has a reason to live

*Playing the guy in the sweet shop, as well as the customer

*An appeal for a job

*Jammin’ George’s Land of Fun – sponsored by Jean-Claude Van Damme (Films Bloodsport commercial)

*Wearing a Cubs jersey, reading a poem that begs God to kill him.  Waits for God to kill him for a minute of silence.  Continues the poem, which gets progressively more ridiculous.  Concludes that simple things in life are best.  Then sits there for another minute.

*Walks off to the forest in his purple beret, turns and waves goodbye

*One last thing to say: “Adios!”

August 12, 2010
Categories: Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre . Tags: , . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

The Designer’s Drugs: Dustin Diamond – Behind the Bell

Dustin Diamond: Master Biographer

Medium: Literature

Stimulus: Dustin Diamond – Behind the Bell

Anno: 2009

Poor Dustin Diamond. He spent the late ‘80s and the entire ‘90s playing one of the greatest geeks of all time, Samuel “Screech” Powers from Saved by the Bell. Then he spent the past decade suffering for it. Wiped completely off the acting radar, Diamond became a stand-up comedian, dabbled in pro wrestling, appeared in a sex tape, played bass in a fairly wretched band, played a reality show jackass, and was transformed into a gay icon on the internet. Most of his misadventures reeked of desperation, forming another exhibit of a typecast child star clawing at any spotlight available.

News of Diamond’s latest lunge for attention, a tell-all book about life at Saved by the Bell, effectively burned his bridges with that past life. When his former Saved by the Bell castmates got together for People Magazine without him, they went so far as to have Screech Photoshopped out of the cast photos. The die was cast, and when the book arrived, it was every bit the inflammatory train wreck expected.

It’s safe to say that Behind the Bell won’t win Diamond many friends. Before even considering the book’s content, it’s telling that his autobiography is one of the worst edited pieces of junk to see major release. There are multiple instances of a sentence suddenly jumping to another line, of misused words (principle instead of principal), and, most baffling of all, the sudden repetition of paragraphs on the same page. All this gives one the impression that Behind the Bell was a hastily assembled scramble for cash, attention, and revenge.

What Diamond has to say doesn’t ease this cynicism. While there are rare moments where one can see the human being behind the bravado (Part II is a fairly objective look at the making of the show and the book’s best segment), the majority of this book is comprised of Diamond talking shit and bragging about his penis and where it’s been. It’s hard to sympathize with the outsider who fell into a world of trophy parents and their entitled brats when he relies so heavily upon the word “Douchenozzle.”

It’s believable that the show’s cast behaved badly, that drug-using Johnny Dakota was a good guy in real life while the Bayside gang was awash in the substances they shunned onscreen. Yet when Diamond goes on to accuse Mario Lopez of rape, insinuate that the show’s creator molested the cast, and suggest that the in-house magician turned young Neil Patrick Harris onto dudes, it comes off as scorned gossip. Most unbelievably, Diamond claims to have slept with 2,000 women, and categorically denies his gay icon status. Yeah, right!

Disaster memoir at its finest.

August 11, 2010
Categories: Literature, The Designer's Drugs . . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: The Apple

The Apple: One of the strangest films, ever.

Movie: The Apple (1980)

Directed By: Menahem Golan

Starring: Catherine Mary Stewart, Allan Love, Joss Ackland

Written By: Menahem Golan

Sweet tapdancing Christ. My fellow B-movie cohorts, Mr. Heinrich Maneuver and Miss Luna, dropped a fucking bomb on me this week. When you’re offered a biblical disco musical about a Village People-fueled dystopia, you run with it. While this movie is firmly lodged in the Rocky Horror tradition, The Apple is a more kinetic, possibly creepier, certainly more bedazzled upgrade.

This is a tale of two Canadian kids who come to the big city in order to ply their pansy ass Carpenters act against the tide of Nero-sized disco. The evil BIM corporation, ruled by the sassy yet diabolical Mr. Boogalow, (yeah, I know,) is not amused. Flanked by his cadre of black drag queens and fluffy-haired Roger Daltrey impersonators, Boogalow puts on his best Klaus Nomi tuxedo and sets to work absorbing the heroic Alphie and Bibi into his infernal system. Following a hellish ripoff of “The Time Warp,” Bibi succumbs to the BIM allure. Alphie, however, runs away like a little girl, and spends a good 15 minutes mooning around in a nice Jewish woman’s New York tenement (and serenading her, and groping her sweet rack). Nobody in the biz wants to listen to his wussy tunes, and the law is cracking down on him for not wearing his BIM mark of the beast. What’s a sad panda to do, but storm back into BIM Central, sleep with one of the disco ladies, and then bust through a pane of glass, lit up in green lights and looking like a crybaby Incredible Hulk? Magnificent!

The best parts of this movie are the BIM anthem in the beginning, and the ending. And though the opening song is one big bowl of tossed ass-kick salad, the conclusion to this masterpiece may have the posterity of being one of the worst (and most glorious) endings of all time. In literature and theater, the term deus ex machina (“God from the machine”) refers to a sudden ending that defies the logic of the rest of the story. South Park’s Crab People would be an example. In this movie, deus ex machina can be taken literally, down to the flying car. What happens is one of the most baffling finishes to a film that I have ever seen, made only slightly tolerable by the most evil dude from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey playing God.

Wow. This film is friggin’ amazing.

August 11, 2010
Categories: Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre . Tags: . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

Y Marks the Spot: The Truth about Strippers

A Typical Stripper

During a recent rant against moral absolutism, I made mention of owning one’s beliefs. In the midst of that I mentioned a side comment about one of my own social hang-ups, the porn star. After some thought, I realized that this category is too narrow, and not cut-and-dry at all. I could have included strippers, skanks in music videos, and really anything that relies on a pair of tits to sell it. What bothers me about all of these phenomena is not all the sex involved in them, but how they’ve become symptoms of obnoxious commercialism. One of the most fun things to do in the world has been co-opted by advertising and repeated into oblivion.

But I do have one glorious tale of capitalist pseudo-sex. The time was similar to now, a time of waiting for time to run out. The big difference between then and now was that now, I live alone, and I’m not liable for other people’s stupidity. That wasn’t the case then.

For a while, I was the only person in my apartment with a job, and the only person covering the bills and paying any rent at all. But there was no way I could take care of everyone’s share, so I finally decided that there was no more point to working at my crappy food job. What followed were six months of eating detergent-tasting Kwik Trip bread and watching my apartment turn into a pit. And even then, I could raise enough money to pay the rent.

There wasn’t much left over for anything else, though. It’s a good thing that my best friend was willing to pay for everything we did. On one such night, CJ Slugger rousted me out of my moldy dwelling in order to take a trip to the Twin Cities with him and the Leprechaun. The adventure was independent wrestling. We piled into Lep’s Inventory Van and hit the road with me in the back, trying to study.

Seeing pro wrestling in a dimly lit club was about as strange as seeing a rock concert in a retirement home. The game was wrestling, but the atmosphere was bar fight.

Big guys were stomping around bar tables, trying to look menacing while they beat the crap out of each other, and all I could think was: is he going to knock over my drink? Nonetheless, the three of us left the show in high spirits, excited over what we had seen. But the night wasn’t over. When you’re out on the town with CJ Slugger, you’ll probably end up in a strip club. And that’s what happened.

Class Act is a dingy bit of neon on the main highway south of the Twin Cities. It seemed to become a rest stop for my group of friends whenever we went on a Minnesota road trip. Lep pulled into the gravel, and once more CJ paid my way. The naked girls were doing what naked girls on a stage always do – going after a sucker’s money – and CJ was happy to provide the sucker. Lep and I sat on each side of him, watching him try to play it cool while face-smashing dollars between girls’ boobs. The thing I remember most was that one girl had a tattoo of the eye from the cover of Tool’s Lateralus album. The color on it was brilliant.

When the country music came on I hid in the bathroom, knowing what was going to happen next. Sure enough, the curtains parted, and out strutted a fifty year old broad in a cowboy hat. I laughed at the Leprechaun, who stayed at the edge of the stage and gave pity-bills to the old dame. After she rode off into the sunset, the three of us reconvened.

“For your heroism, Lep, I’m buying you a lap dance,” CJ announced. He summoned a shapely young blonde and sent our friend away with her. We returned our attention to the stage.

But when the next song ended, the Leprechaun didn’t reappear. It was strange, but we said nothing. When the song after that was over and he didn’t return, we grew worried. Ten songs later, we were concerned that he had been abducted and killed by vampire hookers.

Like this.

We started asking strippers if they had seen the Leprechaun, which was as absurd as asking pro wrestlers if they had seen our lost puppy. I asked Lateralus Girl about my short, ginger friend while she writhed and spun naked on a pole. “Sorry, haven’t seen him,” she said, upside down.

Forty minutes after he had vanished, the Leprechaun finally reappeared. He was surrounded by apes in suits. “Guys, I think I’m in trouble,” he said.

Turns out that he was over $200 in trouble. It blows my mind that a guy who, when he lived with me, used to sleep on a mountain of porn magazines and pizza boxes didn’t know the rules of lap dancing. You’re paying for one song’s worth of dry humping. When a girl asks, “Do you want to keep going?” she isn’t being nice. You have to keep paying. Once more, CJ picked up the bill – via an ATM that charged seven bucks – and we finally got out of there.

Once we were in the van, our shamed friend told us all the dirty details. When the tale was done, he slumped into the driver’s seat and sighed. “I guess I have to remember,” he said, “that strippers are all about money. Not people’s feelings.”

The van exploded.

August 10, 2010
Categories: Y Marks the Spot . . Author: Y . Comments: 1 Comment

Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Balls of Fury

Walken, Causing Trouble Again

Movie: Balls of Fury (2007)

Director: Robert Ben Garant

Starring: Dan Fogler, Christopher Walken, James Hong

Written by: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

You might think that Christopher Walken would be the show-stealer in this tale of ping-pong glory. You’d be wrong. As a Fu Manchu wannabe gangster, Walken certainly tears up any scene he appears in. The absurdity of seeing him dressed in all manner of formal Chinese attire is as hilarious as it is weird. Yet there are three characters in Balls of Fury who upstage him.

The first is a jacked-up German with a perfect blond flat-top and spandex battle gear who serves as the hero’s ping-pong nemesis. Played by Thomas Lennon (Reno 911’s Lieutenant Dangle), Karl Wolfschtagg storms through the film, ready to throw down on anyone in his way. Lennon’s wide-eyed intensity is kind of awesome.

The second is Diedrich Bader, who portrays a tank-topped concubine in Walken’s man-harem. Sent to the hero’s bedchambers, he has to spend the night or die. Undeterred, the hero and the man-whore have a rockin’ night playing Boggle and hanging out. Bader plays his character with a delightfully dimwitted optimism that I’m sure is absent from most male prostitutes.

Yet the best performance in Balls of Fury is that of James Hong, who once more serves admirably as the token dirty old Asian. Best known for his role as the crazy old wizard Lo Pan of Big Trouble in Little China, Hong turned “Indeed!” into a cult classic password. Hong’s role in Balls of Fury mixes Lo Pan’s fixation on honor with the more earthly creepiness of his role in Revenge of the Nerds II and his ambiguously gay persona in Totally Awesome! As Walken’ blind former mentor, Hong reluctantly takes on his round-eye protégé to obtain satisfaction. He plays this role with such an imperious witlessness that he is a joy to watch.

Considering all this, the fun in Balls of Fury becomes less about the story itself and instead in watching the crackpot characters which populate it. Indeed, the main characters are often less compelling than the supporting cast. As hero Randy Daytona, Dan Fogler – who seems to be getting typecast as a Belushi-via-Jack Black – pretty much autopilots on the wildman schtick he improved upon as a Star Wars geek in Fanboys. In total, he’s more fun than George Lopez’s FBI straight man, but Lopez commits an act of desperation in the film which boosts his character past the hero.

The concept of Balls of Fury is ludicrous, but that works in its favor. You might think that an epic comedy about ping-pong wouldn’t work out. You’d be wrong.

August 10, 2010
Categories: Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre . . Author: Y . Comments: 1 Comment

HorrorHound Weekend 2010: Armageddon

Horrorgasm.

Louise Robey, Actress, Joe Bob Briggs, Drive-Thru Master, Lloyd Kaufman, Film Legend, and the Gay Boy of Tromaville

Y Spy: Who are you and why are you here?

Louise Robey: I’m the Countess of Burford, and I’m here because I exist. [From here, Robey and Kaufman launch into an extended conversation in French. The only thing I can make out is when Kaufman mentions a Chevrolet Coupe Deville and Charles de Gaulle. I suspect that Kaufman might be bullshitting his French, but if he is he does so convincingly.]

Lloyd Kaufman: Next question!

Y Spy: So I write a review column called “Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre.” You can pretty much assume what it’s about. Turn me onto some movies.

Robey: I know Hugh Hefner, and I go to his Sunday night things all the time.

Kaufman: [Growing progressively more French] Hugh Hefner is a fucking dick! I hate Hugh Hefner! So fuck him!

Robey: Well, Dino de Laurentiis…

Kaufman: Oh, he’s cool…

Robey: He wanted me to be in a movie, and I turned him down. I was very young. I said: “It’s a bit naughty, this movie!”

Kaufman: Well, you had been in the Roman Polanski Quaalude movie, so I don’t blame you for turning him down.

Robey: How do you know Roman?

Kaufman: How do I know him? He tried to give me Quaaludes! I refused! I wouldn’t do it. I was 13 at the time.

Y Spy: You were just an innocent young lady.

Kaufman: I was an innocent young woman at the time. Gyno. We say gyno-american. Louise! What else have you been working on, besides your chateau? Chateau in French means cake, by the way.

Robey: It means very old house. I write songs, and I produce songs…

Kaufman: Wow! Here’s the young Gay Boy from Tromaville!

Gay Boy of Tromaville: I am the Gay Boy from Tromaville.

Kaufman: Tell us what’s new in the gay world of Tromaville.

Gay Boy: “The Killer Condom” is an inspirational movie, not only a philosophy but a state of life.

Kaufman: And who made the special effects? H.R. Giger, who made the special effects for “Alien!”

Y Spy: How does the Roman Catholic Church feel about killer condoms?

Gay Boy: Actually, I am Catholic. We feel extremely great about it! Couldn’t be better.

Kaufman: And thank you to the Pope, who has done so much to protect the children from the Catholic priests. He’s a real brave Pope. He and Hugh Hefner are the same hypocritical, well, anyway…

Robey: You want to be Hugh! You want to be him!

Kaufman: I wouldn’t shit on Hugh Hefner! The only reason I bought Playboy stock was because I was hoping he’d die and the stock would go up.

Robey: You bought Playboy stock?

Kaufman: Stupidly. And he won’t die! I lost a huge amount of money.

Robey: It’s bankrupt! You know that?

Kaufman: When I bought it, it wasn’t. And stupid me, because he’ll never die! God dammit!

Y Spy: What’s new in the Troma world?

Kaufman: We have a very good blu-ray we’ve just put out. Actually it’s a brown-ray called “Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.” I’m working on my seventh book “Sell Your Own Damn Movie.”

[Suddenly, a round of applause bursts out behind us, and Joe Bob Briggs arrives on the scene.]

Kaufman: Hey! You should interview this guy! Bobby!

Robey: [To Briggs, taking note of his cowboy shirt] Do you ride horses?

Kaufman: He rides pen and pencil and paper! He rides words!

Robey: So do I! I’m a writer and producer.

Y Spy: Mr. Briggs, what does Troma mean to you?

Joe Bob Briggs: Troma is the essence of the three Bs: blood, breasts, and beasts. They have all of those three, in enormous quantities, in every film they’ve ever made. I can’t say that about any other company.

Y Spy: Were there breasts in “Cannibal: The Musical?”

Kaufman: Yes, but they were eaten! So you didn’t see them. But Joe Bob Briggs was very responsible for discovering Troma, many years ago, when we were shunned. We’re still shunned, but at least Joe Bob Briggs appreciated us.

Y Spy: [To Briggs] So what have you been up to lately?

Briggs: I’m here, doing the convention.

Y Spy: Any writings or film commentaries coming out?

Briggs: I’ve got 12 commentaries that I’ve done, and lots of books, and lots of other projects.

Y Spy: So what scares each of you?

Kaufman: Hilary Clinton scares me! I’m Lloyd Kaufman, failed filmmaker for 35 years!

Briggs: Lloyd scares me. [Lloyd screams.]

Robey: I don’t know any of these people. What scares me is my ex-husband, who wrote Shakespeare!

August 9, 2010
Categories: Q&A, Y Spy . Tags: . Author: Y . Comments: 1 Comment

HorrorHound Weekend 2010: Ari Lehman

Ari Lehman

Ari Lehman, Actor, Musician

Y Spy: Who are you and why are you here?

Ari Lehman: My name is Ari Lehman, and I am the first Jason Voorhees from “Friday the 13th,” here, at HorrorHound Weekend in Indianapolis, because the friends and fans of Jason Voorhees mean more to me than life itself.

Y Spy: How did jumping out of a lake dressed like a half-rotted mongoloid affect the rest of your life?

Lehman: In fact, when I did it, it was a fun summer job. I was very fortunate to be able participate with the greatness of Tom Savini and Sean Cunningham.

Y Spy: How old were you at the time?

Lehman: I was only 14 years old. It was a great honor and a great opportunity. But let’s look at the image of the pond and the water, of all that decaying vegetation, of the mother image, of the girl in a boat image, the decapitation. There’s so much there. The first “Friday the 13th” is mythological, and it has so much room for expansion. I want to let all the fans know, there’s more coming to this story. Every story has a beginning, and that story will be told.

Y Spy: And how do you fit into that?

Lehman: I wish I could tell you, but let’s just say this: all signs are good, and all systems are go for something that will satisfy that need in the fans to understand the origins of this wonderful character. They’ve never told how he made this transformation, why he behaves the way he does.

Y Spy: Tell me about your band, “First Jason.”

Lehman: I’ve been a musician all my life. First Jason is a punk/metal band; we play all over the United States and Europe. I just returned from Spain, where we played at the Festival de Cine de Terror in Barcelona. I just did a singing presentation – a concert and a finale – at the Fantasy Horror Awards last weekend in Italy, where I presented gold awards to Dario Argento, Robert Englund, and many more. That was a lot of fun.

Y Spy: So when did you first learn to tickle the ivories like a mad motherfucker?

Lehman: Thank you! When I was a kid. The same time I was being little Jason.

Y Spy: What else has been happening?

Lehman: I’ve been participating in many independent films, most notably “Vampira: the Movie.” I did the soundtrack. First Jason has been an element, but working on soundtracks has been another. Also acting in independent films like “Terror Overload.”

Y Spy: What scares you?

Lehman: Alienation.

First Jason Album Cover

Ari Lehman can be found at www.firstjason.com.

August 9, 2010
Categories: Q&A, Y Spy . Tags: . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

HorrorHound Weekend 2010: Catherine Mary Stewart

Catherine Mary Stewart

Catherine Mary Stewart, Actress

Y Spy: Who are you and why are you here?

Catherine Mary Stewart: I am Catherine Mary Stewart, and I was kidnapped, bound, and dragged here against my will.

Y Spy: I know you from “The Apple.” What was it like starring in the greatest disco musical ever, and participating in one of the most wonderfully strange film endings of all time?

Stewart: It was weird! That was my very first film ever, so I really had no clue what I was getting myself into as an actress. I just went along with it, thinking that it was kind of strange. When I saw it completed, I thought that my instincts were correct.

It opened in 1981 in the World Film Festival in Montreal, to a mixed review, I’m sure. But the guy who ran the festival said: “This is the greatest movie, especially if you’re stoned!” I can totally see that! For me, it was my intro to the whole business, so I have to say that it was the greatest thing ever.

Y Spy: What have been your favorite roles since?

Stewart: It’s such a hard question. Every movie that I’ve done has been so wonderful in a different way. I guess there are some that are more awful than others, and I have worked with some people who I didn’t necessarily like or get along with. Some of the most gratifying are some of the movies I’m representing here: “The Last Starfighter,” “Night of the Comet.”

When you’re shooting a movie, you have no idea what to expect. You do your work as best you can, and then it’s completely out of your hands. I’ve done a lot of movies where the end result is completely different from the script’s intention. Afterwards you put that part of your life on the shelf and move on. So when you get the response that you get at conventions like this, you never know what to expect.

There’s a whole generation of men and women that tell me how influential these movies are to them. You’re one of the odd ones out about “The Apple!” That was not a widely seen movie! It always takes me off guard. As an actor it’s so cool having a positive effect on people that they still treasure in their 20s and 30s. You don’t expect it at all, so you don’t take it for granted.

Y Spy: Do the unexpected reactions from fans come because you have such a diverse body of work?

Stewart: That’s something that I’m really thankful for, because as an actor you want to do as many different things as you possibly can. I live vicariously through the characters; I get to be a Mac-10 wielding teenage, or I get to be a sweet innocent girl, or I get to go into outer space, or I get to be a cowgirl. I’m thrilled to be able to do the different types of things I do, and I hope I’m not pigeonholed. And that attracts such a diverse audience.

Y Spy: What have you been doing recently?

Stewart: Recently I seem to be playing a lot of alcoholics! I’ve done two films recently, one for Lifetime and one for Hallmark, where I’m a middle-aged woman who drinks too much, which is actually a gas. I have so much fun playing that character. The Hallmark movie was called “The Class.” I play the wife of Eric Roberts – the unhappy wife of Eric Roberts, which drives me to drink. In every scene there’s a glass of wine in my hand. But of course I redeem myself in the end, because it is Hallmark, after all. I also just finished a movie called “A Christmas Snow,” which is a family Christmas movie, really a nice movie. I’m the lead in it, which is sort of unusual because I’m not the young little ingénue that I was. I play a character that hates Christmas, whose father left when she was young, which she’s never gotten over. Through the film you learn lessons of forgiveness and redemption, and in the end it’s a really lovely story. Not really a HorrorHound movie!

Y Spy: Is there a big difference between making TV movies and feature films?

Stewart: I have found over the years that it is less and less different. Movies can be made so quickly and for very little money, which is kind of great. A TV movie has always had shorter schedules. Feature films have always taken longer. But the great thing about digital these days is that they don’t have to worry about takes anymore. As an actor, there’s a lot less pressure. Making a TV movie still doesn’t feel as grand as a feature, but they’re becoming similar.

Y Spy: So what’s your take on the entirety of your career?

Stewart: I’m really thankful for it. I was so busy and had the greatest time in the 80’s and early 90’s. When I got married and started having babies, I kept working, but not as much. My priorities changed. My kids are now 13 and 16, and I’m really trying to get back into it again. It’s kind of a struggle to get back into it. Everyone thought I had just left the business, so you’ve got to work it to make the connections again. But I’ve had some success, and work begets work, so I’ve been doing okay. I’m so much luckier than so many actors.

Y Spy: What scares you?

Stewart: You know what scares me? Tom Noonan scares the crap out of me! In “Manhunter,” that guy creeped me out so much. When I knew that I was gonna be [at a table] next to him, I was a little scared. But he’s a pussycat!

If I’m gonna watch a horror movie, it has to be at home with the lights on, with my husband, because I get scared easily.

Bizarro Gold!

Catherine Mary Stewart can be found at www.catherinemarystewart.net.

August 9, 2010
Categories: Q&A, Y Spy . Tags: , . Author: Y . Comments: Leave a comment

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