Little Girl’s Tea Party Draws Inappropriate Crowd

 

Waukesha, WI (AP) – When little Daphne Johnston, a girl of five, announced to her kindergarten classmates that she was hosting a tea party, she had no idea of the outpouring of rage she was in store for.

Last Sunday, the home of little Daphne Johnston was the unwilling host of a massive political demonstration held by members of the Tea Party Patriots, liberal counterprotesters, and, bizarrely enough, members of the Epsilon Omega fraternity.

Dirk Diamond, head of Epsilon Omega, explained the misunderstanding.  “When we heard about this rockin’ tea party, my broskis and I just thought that there was an all you can drink on Long Island Iced Teas!  Our bad, bro!”

Yet only Epsilon Omega remained in high spirits.  To the horror of the pint-sized hostess, what was to be a dainty, well mannered affair quickly degenerated into hundreds of Waukesha citizens screaming at each other over hot-button issues such as same-sex marriage, immigration, and Governor Walker’s attempt to eradicate public unions.

Thankfully, violence was averted, but a little girl’s hopes and dreams were crushed.

“They called Mrs. Kendrick a lazy, spoiled, godless socialist!” Daphne cried after the rally, tears running down her face as she described a Tea Party member’s verbal assault upon her kindergarten teacher.  “She’s such a nice lady!  She taught me how to count to twenty!  Why would anybody say that?”

Daphne’s mother Roxanne was so distraught by the demonstration that she bought ten bottles of Long Island Iced Tea and bribed the brothers of Epsilon Omega to chase away the protesters, which they did in short order.  With peace regained, the frat boys were invited by Mrs. Johnston to stay and attend her daughter’s tea party, where they sipped Long Islands from tiny plastic teacups, content with having made the world better for one little girl.

“I say,” Diamond quipped to his little hostess, his pinky held aloft from his tiny teacup, “your mom’s a total MILF!”

Daphne giggled, having no idea what her new friend had just said, and handed him a purple stuffed pony.

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Labor Day Groundhog Sees Own Shadow, Predicts Six More Months of Severe Economic Disparity

Kill the poor!

SCOTTSDALE, AZ (AP) – Carrying on a tradition that hails back to the inauguration of Ronald Reagan in 1981, the citizens of Scottsdale celebrated Labor Day with the unveiling of Scottsdale Sam, a groundhog used to predict the nation’s immediate economic future.  This year’s festivities were attended by such American luminaries as Texas governor Rick Perry, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin, and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and the celebration went off without a hitch.

Climbing through a patch of overly irrigated green desert lawn, Scottsdale Sam surfaced at 12:37 pm (though various reports have the time at 11:37 am, as Arizona doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings Time).  Surrounded by a diverse audience of highball-drinking country clubbers, heavily armed rednecks, and Tea Party Patriots dressed as the Founding Fathers, the groundhog sniffed the dry desert air for a moment before abruptly glaring at the crowd and darting back into the imported soil, signifying six more months of consolidation of the nation’s capital in the hands of the extremely wealthy.

Cheers immediately rose from the crowd, followed by chants of “Don’t retreat, reload!” and a Mariachi band performing a rendition of the Dead Kennedys’ “Kill the Poor.”  Soon after, the audience began firing assault rifles into the air.

A nine year old girl, yet unidentified, was shot and killed in the crossfire, but since Arizona legalized the shooting of nine year old girls at public rallies following this year’s assault on Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, there was little outcry.  The body was quickly removed by the help.

“Oh Jesus, this is the best time!” Governor Palin exclaimed to the boisterous crowd.  “Scottsdale Sam has once more proven what the rest of the nation already knows: that you people are what makes this nation great!”

Squinting into the sunlight, Palin adjusted her gaze and pointed toward a group of high-powered bankers lurking around the bar.  “Wait,” she addressed them, “I mean you people are what makes this nation great!”

Rebecca Black Contracted to Sing New Theme to “Monday Night Football”

The new face of football. You will take it, and you will like it!

Internet singing sensation Rebecca Black has quickly rocketed to the pinnacle of pop culture for her cheerful smash hit, “Friday.”  Yesterday it was announced that ESPN seeks to capitalize on her sudden fame by having contracted Black to sing the new theme for Monday Night Football.

“There’s no downside,” MNF director Chip Dean stated in yesterday’s press conference.  “Hank Williams’ theme for Monday Night Football was a classic, an iconic song that will always be associated with the greatness of the sport.  But it’s time that we start going after the YouTube generation, and Rebecca Black is one of its brightest stars at the moment.  It’s a perfect fit for us.”

Dean was unable to disclose details of the show’s new theme, save that its lyrics would inform the audience that Monday comes after Sunday, which comes after Saturday, which comes after Friday.  Furthermore, the song will mention that Tuesday comes after Monday, Wednesday comes after Tuesday, Thursday comes after Wednesday, and Thursday is followed by Friday.

The director was highly optimistic about the public’s reaction to Rebecca Black’s reimagining.  “People are going to love it.  It’s going to be fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!”

 

(If it’s half as good as this, football’s due for a renaissance!)

Operation: Arizona Bay

Bill Hicks Death Robot Initiates Final Phase of “Operation: Arizona Bay”

Bill Hicks: Death Robot

CALIFORNIA (AP) ─ The comedian Bill Hicks, long thought to have died thirteen years ago as a result of pancreatic cancer, revealed his continued existence to the world on Wednesday, in a dick-joke laden YouTube video where he claimed responsibility for the current plague of California wildfires.  In this message, Hicks, whose head had clearly been grafted onto a cybernetic body, disclosed that these fires are but pieces of a horrifying master plan which he dubbed “Operation: Arizona Bay”.

Alleged to be in control of a massive army of drug-zombies, androids, Gideons, and other freethinking ne’er-do-wells, the fascist funnyman unveiled all aspects of his conspiracy to the public.  According to Hicks, the last thirteen years of his existence have been spent in hiding within a Shaftesbury dustbin which he has modified into a top secret supervillian lair.  His cult following, long thought to have been a harmless fringe of pseudo-intellectuals, has transformed over the years into a monstrous collective, devoted almost single-mindedly to the destruction of California and its expulsion into the Pacific Ocean.

Operation: Arizona Bay, asserts its leader, has been behind almost every major catastrophe to strike California since the Los Angeles Riots.  Hicks declared in his missive that his conspiracy has been behind, among many events, the election of governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, the wildfires of 2003 and today, and the rise to prominence of graphic novelist Garth Ennis, the rock band Tool, and Facebook.

Hicks concluded this speech with an announcement that the final phase of Operation: Arizona Bay is about to commence.  Its goal: the detonations of nuclear devices placed within all major California fault lines.  He then took a long, slow drag from a Pall Mall cigarette, and gave the camera the finger.

“This is the worst fuckin’ audience ever, man,”  he said, as the video ended.

No demands were made.

Governor, Arsonist, Machine.

Reaction to this omen of cataclysm has been panicked and severe.  Firefighters discovered Governor Schwarzenegger in grasslands northeast of San Diego, where he was engulfing acres of vegetation with a flamethrower.  Police and SWAT officers at the scene were forced to open fire upon the governor, which revealed him to be a death robot.  Schwarzenegger then proceeded to vigorously grope female officers before being lured into a smelting plant by Eddie Furlong and thrown into a pool of molten steel.

Maria Shriver has been arrested and shipped to Guantanamo Bay in retaliation.

The government has wasted no time in combating Hicks’ shenanigans.  On the night of the unveiling of Operation: Arizona Bay, agents of the NSA recruited fellow comedian and television firefighter Denis Leary into a clandestine mission designed to put a stop to his former colleague.  Leary, who has long been accused of stealing Hicks’ act of hard smoking, protest-laced diatribes, has been vouched for by President Obama as being “…the only guy who really knows how Hicks ticks.”

Information has led the United States intelligence services to believe that Hicks has holed up inside the Tomcats Theatre on Hollywood’s Santa Monica Boulevard.  Leary has been dispatched to the area, armed with a firefighter’s axe and a pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes.  Unfortunately, the government neglected to gift the hero with any money to pay for parking.

California's Last Hope

“I’m out twenty bucks, you fuckers!” Leary exploded as he parked his fire truck and entered the theatre, the weight of the free world on his angry shoulders.  “If I make it out of here, you sons of bitches are gonna get me a sequel to Demolition Man!

A nation’s lowest common denominator waits, and prays.

Bad Goth Bea Arthur Poetry

Bea!

In Memoriam: Beatrice Arthur

By, Caspian Shadowmort

Bea!
Why have you left me? Bea!
You’ve followed Getty to the Gates
Left two churlish Golden Girls to wait
For death’s brass embrace, like Paul and Ringo
Slinging swill without your watchful,
Steely gaze,
Bereft of bliss,
Holding them in check.
If Betty White isn’t next,
I’ll further Rue the day you left.

Bea!
Why can’t the Philistines see? Bea!
The kids only know you from the scene
From Airheads whence Lone Rangers razed
The radio, making outrageous demands
To seek the insanity defence.
They howled for naked photographs
Of thee, Bea!
And when Judd Nelson peered o’er
Stupid Sandler’s shoulder
What did he see?
Thee, Bea!
Judd slithered out a sibilant “Nice!”
And the kids all giggled,
Not knowing why.

Bea!
(Not you, Aunt Bee!
Return thee to Mayberry!)
Bea!
You are free! Bea!
Whilst public lips lament the loss
Of Dorothy, and the ma’am
Who roasted Pamela Anderson,
Their panoramic view
Proves of little use.
They barely knew that Maude was God
And never knew the broad
Who swung out Broadway sleaze,
Or the cantina wench from Mos Eisley
Who danced and sang in the holiday breeze.
They never even knew
You were Bernice.

But from the earth and skies,
You shalt arise
To rewrite your Arthurian legacy
And they shall see, Bea,
The once
and future
queen.