Yesterday, churches of all denominations across the country saw a stunning rise in attendance of church services. The new parishioners were hundreds of thousands of left-wing Americans, some of whom had never set foot in a church before. When asked why they were attending the church services, these new members of their congregations replied, almost to a person, that the death of right wing pundit Andrew Breitbart had convinced them that there was a God who loved us all.
Breitbart, often characterized as the right wing’s political assassin, has spent the last few years serving as one of the greatest thorns in the side of the liberal viewpoint. One of his last marks was New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, whose sexting scandal, exposed in grandstanding style by Breitbart, caused him to resign. Such was the ire he drew from American liberals that, upon his sudden death at the relatively young age of 43, his detractors immediately declared his demise to be an act of God.
John Franklin, a small business owner from Spokane, Washington, displayed a typical attitude among these new converts. “Holy crap! I thought we were gonna have that bastard around for at least another 20 years! I wasn’t sure that God existed until he smote that son of a bitch to smithereens. Now I’m a believer!”
Kyra Archer works for Planned Parenthood in Omaha, Nebraska. As such, she has had a number of run-ins with religious authorities. Despite this, she chose to attend a local church service in order to pay her respects.
“You know, God’s a patriarchal, close-minded, jingoistic tyrant,” Archer said. “But he really did us a solid on this one. I just stopped by to tell God thanks ‒ thanks for scraping that pompous, hateful human sewage off the face of the earth.”
It’s not only the Christian faiths that saw a surge in numbers. Salim al-Ameen is one of thousands of lapsed American Muslims who attended mosque services in the wake of Breitbart’s death. al-Ameen broke with his religion after coming out as a gay man in his teenage years, yet yesterday he attended a mosque in his hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, in celebration. There, he found no issue with his well-known homosexuality, the communal jubilation over Breitbart’s demise washing away all other distinctions.
“The prick is dead!” al-Ameen cheered after prayer. “Allah frickin’ rules, baby!”
Buddhist temples reported no new conversions on Thursday, as Buddhism does not have a god who could take personal interest in Andrew Breitbart’s downfall. Conversely, liberal American Hindus weren’t sure whom within their expansive pantheon to thank for the death of Breitbart.
Neopagans of many different stripes held celebrations in American forests and public parks to give thanks to their myriad gods and goddesses, yet these conclaves reported few new members. The Venerable Bear Mule Moon, head of the Pan-American Association of Pan Worshippers and Panhandlers, explained the Neopagans’ failure to capitalize on Breitbart’s death as being due to their gatherings being held in secret, their only neighbors being errant Frisbee Golfers.
“Man, we really need to start having these things in community centers,” he said.
As a response to these mass conversions, the Catholic Church has been said to be quietly looking into having God take out right wing hidden camera con artist James O’Keefe as a means to restore its prestige in America. An anonymous source within the Boston Archdiocese has also suggested that the church is exploring the option of having God take out “certain members of Fox News,” though the source refused to name names.
When asked about this rumor of God being used as a political assassin, Archer responded with strange aplomb. “Hell, if God bumps off everyone at Fox News, I’ll start protesting Planned Parenthood myself!”