Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre: Ninja Bachelor Party

Ninjitsu!

Movie: Ninja Bachelor Party (1991)

By: Bill Hicks, Kevin Booth, David Johndrow

There’s a lot of treasure to be found on Bill Hicks: The Essential Collection, the newest retrospective of the famed comedian’s career, but my favorite thing is Ninja Bachelor Party, a brilliant mockery of martial arts cinema.  In this roughly filmed gem, a dirty white boy (tragically) named Clarence Mumford seeks the ancient wisdom of the martial arts in order to become a man and to stop his girlfriend from sleeping with everyone with a pulse.  It should be noted that barely a shred of martial arts ability is present in this film.  Not only is the ninjitsu kept to a minimum, there is no bachelor party either.  Yet what is essentially a tale of guys filming each other fake-fighting is far more hilarious that the usual videos of dudes fake-fighting.

Our hero begins the tale as a Robitussin-addicted wreck, constantly berated by his parents for being a loser.  After witnessing his beloved servicing a roomful of scumbags, Clarence seeks out an even greater scumbag named Dr. Death, M.D. to teach him how to fight.  After that doesn’t turn out so well, our boy follows a mystic communication to Korea.  Whether it was North or South Korea, no one can say, but the landscape looks disturbingly like American woodlands and a golf course.

There, he studies under the tutelage of a badly bald-capped and eyebrowed Asian ninja master.  They train hard to a sweet musical anthem, and they get lit up on magic mushrooms and throw knives at each other.  Finally confirmed as a martial arts master, Clarence returns to the States and busts his old master humping his girlfriend.  After a brawl spanning the entire city, Clarence takes out Dr. Death using the ancient Chinese art of bicycling.

Both Clarence and the two martial arts masters – both gurus played by Bill Hicks – are wonderfully inept kung-fu fighters, but what sets Ninja Bachelor Party over the edge is the absurd dialogue dubbed into the film.  All characters are voiced by the filmmakers, and their stream of consciousness ramblings – especially those of any character voiced by Hicks – soon become the film’s best quality.

Ninja Bachelor Party is low-budget goofball filmmaking at its best.  Throughout his career, Bill Hicks didn’t stray far from stand-up, and in fact this is his only appearance in cinema.  His choice in film roles was extremely wise.

Bow to Your Sensei!

2 Comments

  1. http://www.billhicks.com/bhforum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=778 Here is a transcript I made for the movie! Enjoy!

  2. SO agree! And I just typed in Goatboy’s full name and the latest uptade  and dude there is an entire fuck-load of nice, rare Hicks material from what appears to be the mid-’80s fashion wise.It’s awesome. And this set is brilliant. Just copied pasted it to all of my European friends who totally get Hicks. May he truely RIP


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.